I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
