Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm too high and old for this...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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