My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
