I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
