Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
