I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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