just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
