gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize
