I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
