i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
