I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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