i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
