Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
smell my finger.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
