bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
