i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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