I puked a lego.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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