did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
