i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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