Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
birth control should be required to get into college
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
