tell your sister to shave her snatch
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
