The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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