someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
