Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he was CRYING into my vagina
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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