i used baking grease as lip gloss
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
