Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
FUCK WHALES
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
