The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
