Just fell off a train. Bad.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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