oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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