the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
sarcasm needs its own font
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
