You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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