john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
