I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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