I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
