I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
