So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
