if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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