meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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