I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
