I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
