Who wears a wallet chain?!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
