Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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