Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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