I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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