last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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