Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
