Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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