Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
