I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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