So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
