I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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