I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
